The Worst of Me

The last couple months have brought some very new and difficult situations for me.  Things that have brought me face-to-face with the Worst of Me.

It started with Serena suddenly having some sort of sleep regression/renewed separation anxiety that woke me up 5-15 times per night for at least a week.  Couple that with my normal 3 wake-up calls from Bret, and you have a very exhausted mommy.  I doubted everything about how I was parenting Serena at night.  Was I sabotaging her (our) sleep by going to her every time she woke?  She is two, after all.  Maybe it's time to let her cry it out (something I've always refused to do with my babies)?  Oh, but those cries from my sweet baby-toddler could not be ignored!  The first night, I had to sleep with her in order for her to sleep.  The second night, I stayed in her room until she fell asleep in her own bed.  On the subsequent nights, I would go to her when she cried and she would just hug me for a few moments before collapsing back in bed and falling back to sleep.  But she would wake again, sometimes after just 10 minutes.  I decided to stick to the advice that has helped me through many confusing and frustrating phases of baby-hood (whether it be sleep-related, breastfeeding-related, or behavior-related):  Be consistent with what has always worked in the past; if a week goes by and we're still having issues, I'll consider making adjustments.  I've rarely had to make adjustments in those types of situations.  Eventually everything shakes out and the difficulties are soon forgotten...until I hear some other young mom mention a similar situation and it all comes flooding back, haha!  ;)  Well, so Serena finally started sleeping through the night again; just in time for Bret to start cutting his first teeth.

He was a wreck.  I was a wreck.  The only thing that kept me sane (sort of) was that he was such a sweet happy baby during the day.  But at night, he was impossible.  I was getting about 4 hours of interrupted sleep at night.  If that doesn't make you start to feel a little crazy, I don't know what will.  I craved sleep like I never have before.  I cannot think of any other way to say it.  I felt like crying just thinking about how much I wanted to sleep.  I tried all the tricks I could think of or had ever heard of, but some nights Bret was absolutely inconsolable...and so was I.  Those nights I knew I was face-to-face with the Worst of Me.  I would sit in the rocking chair (he absolutely DID NOT want me to lay down and cuddle him...I had to be sitting up in the rocking chair to have even a chance of his falling back to sleep) holding my sobbing baby while I cried with him.  Finally, the teeth cut through, and Bret got back to sleep...and so did I!

But I have had to face one other new difficulty in the last couple months that has forced me to deal with the Worst of Me in ways I never had to do before.  About six weeks ago, right after Julie's wedding, my back went out like it does when I'm pregnant.  I could not stand up straight.  Walking, standing, and laying in bed brought great pain.  Bending over, picking up babies, holding babies, changing and dressing babies...often had me on the brink of tears.  Of course, I only did the bare minimum of what had to be done, got lots of help from Jordan, and we all coped somehow; but I hated it.  I hated it.  After a few days, it was over and life continued on like normal.  But, a couple days ago, it was back (no pun intended, haha)!  ;)  I'm so used to being self-sufficient.  I feel like I know my limitations, but they are very acceptable to me.  Now that I'm having back pain, I am suddenly unable to keep house or cook nice meals.  It's all I can do to pick Bret up and carry him from Point A to Point B.  And it's not like these are chores that I'd rather not do anyway.  I love taking care of my family and my home!  But the joy I normally find in doing these things has been replaced by feelings of inadequacy and deep discouragement.

In all of these things, I found myself crying out to God repeatedly for relief.  Just give me at least 2 hours of sleep in a ROW!  That's not asking for much, is it?  Is it selfish to pray for my poor baby to feel better and to stop crying?  My heart ached for him as much as my body ached for rest.  And then this back pain...please just ease it enough so I can take care of my family!  I'm not even praying for strength to go spend an afternoon at the mall or some other frivolous activity.  I just want to change my babies' diapers without being reduced to tears!  Do you see where I'm headed here?  In each of these situations, my thoughts and prayers quickly gave way to resentment as I realized God was not about to grant me a 'quick fix.'

Are there some trials that serve no good purpose?  I know that in relation to others, my current 'trials' are extremely petty.  And they don't seem to be accomplishing any good; they are only bringing out the Worst in Me; that which is Absolutely Unlovely.  In the meantime, they are making life for my husband and babies rather unpleasant.  I have all of these aspirations of being a good housekeeper, a loving wife, a compassionate mother; but these difficulties of sleeplessness and pain have rendered those worthy goals all but impossible.  I have had a hard time seeing how these 'trials' are of any good to me or to my family.  We were all doing just fine before they came along, thank you very much.

I thought I had a firm faith in God's goodness, but it has been shaken to the core (which was apparently rather shallow).  I thought I was quite selfless in the execution of my roles as wife and mother, but I have learned that I am only selfless as long as everything is going my way.  I thought that I was capable of any physical feat (within reason, of course), but I have found that I am not nearly as self-sufficient as I would like to think.  I thought I had it all figured out...how to live the sweet and simple little life God has laid before me, but instead I am tempted every hour to give in to my feelings of self-pity.  It is not pleasant to find out how weak one truly is!

Is it possible that God's allowing these difficulties in my life at this time is really for the intention of making me more Christ-like?  Because, in my finite way, it seems like I was being much more Christ-like before all this happened.  Now, I find myself being very childish and selfish.  It all seems so counter-intuitive.  How am I to rejoice in the fact that God has allowed these circumstances that make it so much more difficult for me to live the life He has called me to?

I feel like I am only at the very start of this journey and there are still so many more lessons to be learned.  I am constantly amazed at how easily I forget how God has blessed me already and instead focus on the things that I still want from him.  It's a little ironic how I have since recognized this same tendency in my babies, though on a different scale. I am so thankful that God is so gracious, loving, and forgiving towards me and I hope that through this I will learn to model that to my own children!  It is so hard to understand how God can continue to love me, even when I show such an ugly side when I do not get my way.  And yet, I don't think twice about holding my sobbing two-year-old when she doesn't understand why I won't let her have her way.  Is it possible we have a God Who loves us like that?  I have so much to learn about Him...!